Do I Really Trust God As Much As I Thought I Did?

Ignorantly speaking I've always taken to believing I was a person that had a decent amount of faith. Never would I have claimed to be abundantly extravagant in my trust in God, but enough to have a scene of pride whenever a sermon about trust was preached. I was one that always viewed the story of Peter trying to walk on water, the story of when the disciples were in the boat crying out in fear to the Lord because of the storm, and even the story of when the disciples denied and abandoned Jesus during the night before he was crucified as such ridiculously low measures of faith. How could people that had physically walked with the living God actually have such little faith? Surely I would have had a little more trust in God than them if I had been in their position. I was a faithful Christian that would NEVER deny Jesus or lose faith so easily, at least that's what I had always told myself.

I had thought I had given my life and future fully to Him, I was certain I was devoted to learning to lay down struggles and desires, I had been working on giving him my time, and I had been regularly giving 10% of my earnings to His ministry, but recently I was struck with a realization that cut me deep to the core. I honestly didn't trust God as much as I thought. My future was still something I filtered through my wishes, I still occasionally dipped my toes in the pleasures and struggles I once wrestled with tirelessly using the excuse that " just a little won't hurt anything", and when I did choose to deny myself those fleeting desires it was rarely out of a joyful heart but more out of a heart of rule-oriented routine. My time spent with him was a routine of mundanely scheduled incriminates that I mostly did when it was a convenience for me or when the time was available, and my giving never took me to place where I had to be completely reliant on God. I always had enough; enough time, enough pleasures, enough money, and enough control, but this enough was always for myself. In reality deep down my faith was more in myself than in God. I was prideful and unable to see God as, not just a loving giving God, but as an abundant provider. How was I ever going to be able to go to places where poverty and hopelessness were normal and tell them about God the provider and about the faith found in Jesus when my own provision and trust was primarily found in myself.

Convicted and provoked I took this revelation as a wake-up call. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I got on my knees and prayed, "Lord, give me a heart of passionate obedience." I didn't want only passion by itself, and I didn't want just obedience, but I wanted a heart that longed for God's desires for me. I remember vividly on one occasion praying to The Lord about how hard it was to deny myself and my wants. Defeated I cried out, "Lord why is this so hard?! I feel like I'm suffering rather than succeeding. Is my way really hurting me that much?!" In the middle of my brokenness, The Lord met me and whispered into my ear something that forever changed me. "Molly," He spoke," I'm not denying you a love, but I'm offering you a greater one." That was the moment my heart finally connected to His desires. I was never being told what I can or can't do, but rather being promised a love that was so much greater than what I or the world could ever offer.

Trusting in Jesus is not easy by any means, but the reality of it is is that trusting in Jesus is all we have. No matter how we try to swing it, if our intentions are left in our own hands we will always fail. Never will we be satisfied with the future we make for ourselves, never will we be able to provide everything we need, and never will our desires fill the longings in our hearts that were made for Him. But, out of a place of passionate obedience in Him will we find everything we will ever look for and desire. When we find ourselves in a place of poverty and need how often do we take a step back and do the complete opposite of what society would tell us to do; trust in God and give out of a place of passionate obedience, whether that means to give physically to others or spiritually to God. We're made to live in passionate obedience to Him, not because He says we have to, but because ultimately it will always be more than if we choose to live for ourselves.

By no means am I perfect at this, but I would be lying if I said this wasn't a constant prayer in my quiet time with God. I want to be someone that the world would find foolish just like 2 Corinthians 5:13 speaks of. I want to live in a way of passionate obedience to the Lord, one of gratitude and joy of laying down my life for his will. and More than anything, I want Him, but actually choosing him is so much different than just wanting Him. It's a life of sacrifice and denial, It's a life that is sometimes filled with pain, and it's a life that will eventually lead to ridicule from others, but through this life comes a revealing of God's love that will prove worth it all. Through this life of denial of other things, you will find an offering of the greatest thing we could ever be given, God's love. I choose to deny myself the love of the world, not because I have to, but because I want something better. So I ask you, are you willing to fully trust in Him? Are you willing to lay down your desires for his? Are you willing to deny yourself a love to receive a greater one? If so, I promise you won't regret it, If anything you'll be happy you did.